I feel just as broken and unworthy now as I did then. I'm in emotional pain constantly. I'm always on the brink of tears. I've thought of suicide more times than I care to disclose. I am a shell of my former self. I have no value for myself or any part of my life. I continue to live only because it would hurt those closest to me if I killed myself. But it's getting to tge point that I don't care. I am miserable. I don't believe in God, love, or any of that other happy mess. I understand reality. Everything else is fantasy. I hate everything. Nothing makes me happy. I've removed myself from social media and most social interactions. I find people exhausting. I hate work and I hate home. I have given up. I brought a hamster in December. I got so down I stopped taking care of it. It died. I didn't and still don't care. I feel numb to the cares of others. I don't care if they are hurting or crying. I had my best friend crying on my shoulder and I kept thinking that I should feel something but I don't. I'm not in a good place in my head at all. And it's not getting better.
Overall things are just barely a notch above livable. My heart hurts constantly. I can't understand what's going on or why. I'm completely in love with someone that doesn't want me. It all hurts. When I'm alone all I think of is her. When i'm out I wish I was with her. When i'm at work, I have flashbacks of seeing her. I can barely sleep for remembering her in my bed. I feel like I'm addicted to her. I can have great periods of time but I always think of her first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I pray for her more than I do myself even though she wants just my "friendship." She contacts me when she wants but if I contact her she may or may not respond. I find it funny that she says she wants to be my friend yet has none. She used to tell me all the time to stand up for myself but the main person I should have stood up to was her. And her disrespectful baby daddy. Whether he liked it or not she invited me there so making slick little comments should have gotten him corrected but I didn't and in the end I got hurt because of it. She used to tell me that he was all she knew. That was a warning and I should have listened. But foolish me thinking that she actually loved me enough to leave the familiar. Maybe for a little while but "he's all she knew." Bull. Ugh. I hate this feeling. I feel unworthy of love. I tried my absolute best but it just wasn't enough.
So my relationship is over. It ended the day before we wold have been together 7 months, July 10. It kills me that it is over. I love her so much even today. And I knew it was coming to an end. She wasn't the same towards me anymore. She wasn't affectionate with me. She wouldn't spend time with me. She started treating me like a stranger. And I held on and I fought it and I let my heart get dragged around while she was trying to figure herself out. And that was my fault. I was hoping that we could go back to the way we were. Bach when she was sweet to me. Back when she loved me. But alas it is no more. And I must say that this emotional rollercoaster is nothing nice. Broken hearts suck. And it's making me question everything about myself. Why wasn't I good enough? What did I do? Why couldn't she love me anymore? Whay more could I have done? Will anyone ever love me again? What makes me special enough to be loved? Am I too this or not enough that to be loved? I'm 26 years old and I've been loved once by someone that fell out of love with me within 6 months time. Obviously, I'm not good enough to be loved. My good qualities couldn't overshadow my bad and I couldn't make her happy anymore. I just don't understand why I can't be loved. Why no one loves me like I love them? I'm a good person. I treat people well. I am kind, affectionate, and loving. I'm a good friend. There's that word again. Friend. I hate that word. You're a great friend. I want us to be friends. I can be their friend but no one wants to love me. Am I that unlovable? Am I that horrible? I did everything I could do for her. I took her to work, watched her kids, cooked for them, bathed them, dressed them, made sure homework was done, picked her up and did it all again the next day. I even helped her clean her place when she had unemployed adults living there that wouldn't clean. I was a good girlfriend. But not good enough for her. I just don'y understand.
I know that it's in God's plan and there is a reason I'm going through this but right now it's hard to the the silver lining during the thunderstorm.
So it's been a while since I last posted. The girl from the last few blogs is now my girlfriend and we've been together for 4 months now. The biggest issue in our relationship is me. It's the truth as bad as it sounds. She lives with her family and so does her ex. I've always been insecure about him. They were together for 7 years and have 2 children together. I'm trying really hard to deal with the insecurities because I know they are pushing her away but I don't know how. I keep hoping that by seeing them together it will squash my fears but that doesn't help at all. It makes it worse. I don't think she realizes how different she acts with him around. The main thingthat drives me nuts is that she consults him for practically everything. I can be telling her something and she will call him to see if it's right or call him for permission if she wants to buy certain things. I don't knowwhat to do. I've already talked to her about how I feel and I got pretty much told to deal with it. "He isn't going anywhere." I understand he's their father but dang.
I love her so much
I did know better. I had 2 rules for dating. No one at work and no one taken. I guess I don't even listen to me anymore. I care about her so much. She makes me happy but there is so much drama and it's not even about her former fiance. There's another guy saying that he slept with her a long time ago and he's one of my employees. I'm getting 2 very different stories. And I don't know what to believe. She is my girlfriend and I want to believe her but I just don't know.
We should have left. Moved away and built a life somewhere else. But I chose to stay and this is what I got. It hurts so bad.
It seems like things around me are changing and not for the better. Work is horrible and it feels like I'm being pushed out slowly. Home has always been bad and I can't wait to leave here. The only bright spot is a girl. I'm dealing with my feelings for her because I know it's going to hurt when I leave. And no one can keep me here. I wish I hadn't given my job such an advanced notice because I didn't want this to happen. The relationship between my boss and I is changing. I feel it getting worse and worse every day. And it kills me.
It's been 2 years since I had feelings like this for anyone. So why did it have to be her? She is unattainable. There are lots of women in this city yet I manage to want the one I can't have. And I just knew that this would happen right before I leave. I'm not going to gush over her but our personalities go well together and we have a chemistry as well as an attraction. I'm not the best interpersonal relationships but I do know that. If she was single, she would be mine. I do believe that. But life didn't see fit for it to be that way.
Now that I know that I'm not completely opposed to dating again I can to meet women. One day.
My trip has come and gone and I'm more unhappy now than before. I want to go back to GA so badly. 73 days and counting but waiting that long is going to depress me.
The renewal of my life is getting closer. I have 90 or so days left in Florida then I'm gone. I know that it is going to hurt alot of people when I leave but this is something that I have to do for me. I am so excited for my trip in 2 weeks. It's nervewracking having to wait. I truly want to leave now. My head isn't in my job anymore. My parent's house almost feels like a prison that I'm being held to by my puppy. I'm slowly beginning to resent everything around me. I want to leave so badly that I'm dreaming about it. I need the independence that leaving would bring. And moving out of the house isn't just all that it entails.
Starting January 10th, I will begin the task of moving all of my worldly possessions into the back of a 16 foot truck and making the 600 mile trek north to Atlanta. I am so excited to begin my new life starting the beginning to the new year. I am ready to begin my life as my own. No parents, no safety crutch, no JQ, no responsibilities, just me. I need that. Right now I am in a rut. Not happy or sad, just alive. And that is not a way for anyone to live. So I slowly but surely plan a new life for myself far far away from home. I have a trip planned to Atlanta for the end of next month and I can not wait to get there.
On the 6th, my sister had a baby so I have a neice now.
I just had the conversation over text with my boss about the possibility of me leaving. i knew that it would be a rough conversation and I wasn't disappointed. I cried and she cried. We've been together for 5 years, side byside. The last time Ifelt pain like this was when my ex broke up with me. If it hurts this much to just talk to her, it will kill me when/if I actually leave. But thereare no decisions maderight now. My heart is still heavy and my head is starting to hurt from the crying.
I said I was unhappy in my life so I decided to do something about it. I booked a vacation to ATL to see the city and how I like it so I know whether or not I want to move there. If I like it then I'll be moving there in the beginning of the year. So far, the plan is to move unless something craz6/wonderful happens here. Even the birth of my neice won't be enough to hold me here. I need to start over as me. ME. Not my parents' child, my sister's big sister, or my boss' right hand. I just want to be me. And I'vs built such a content life here. But I don't want content I want to be happy. I don't know if ATL will give me that but I don't believe that my home will.
That's what I need. Something new and different. I am unhappy with my life right now. I feel like I'm in a rut. I feel lonely and basically pathetic. I absolutely hate living at home again. If it wasn't for my dogs I would have left months ago. I am almost aching for a girl to pay some attention to me. I was getting some attention from a friend, but she has been acting odd lately. One word answers and such so I don't bother her. Sometimes,I want to pack up everything I own and leave. Just drive until I decide tostop and create a new life there. But I would never do that. I'm too afraid to leave the comfort of the familiar and that is my biggest problem.
My twitter friend turned Yahoo IM friend is now my texting and oovoo friend. She is starting to grow on me. I never considered her as anything other than purely a friend. I can honestly say that it's been a long time since I've been anywhere near feeling like this. And I like it. And there is no pressure since she lives so far away. It's great and just what I needed. We were on oovoo today and she is even prettier than she is in her pictures. And she's so much like me. She doesn't curse or smoke but I drink (socially) and she doesn't drink at all. I need a woman like her to live around here and I'd never let her go.
They say 'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. They don't feel how I feel right now. It is a feeling bordering very closely on inadequacy. Like I'm not good enough to be loved. No one even pays me a second glance more often than not. I used to be invisible and I had lived unseen for so long that I got used to it. Then someone came along and saw me. Then I wasn't invisible anymore. But she left me and I've been invisible ever since. Hmph. Years of invisibility vs months of recognition followed by more invisibility.
God, fate, or whatever higher power you believe in (if any) brought someone into my life and completely murdered the old me. I was watching Good Deeds tonight and in it the guy meets a woman that makes him realize that he wasn't happy living the life he was living. And that made me think of my ex gf. It seems like I talk about her alot. That's because I think of her alot. Not in a romantic way but she crosses my mind often. When the movie ended I was going to update my fb status but once I read it I decided to send it to her instead. I probably never will. It's late and I don't want to wake her or disrespect her relationship. But this is what I came up with:
A person can come into your life and completely change the way you see it. And from that point on nothing is the same I'm happy to say thatI found that person and she is you. I don't think you know how your presence has changed me since I met you. And I thank you for that.
I could keep going because there are things I want to add but I don't want it to sound like a gushing love letter because it is far from one. It is a letter of appreciation. I appreciate everything that she brought into my life. I'm such a better and happier person since meeting her and I would never change anything about our relationship.
It's been exactly a month since my last entry and in that month I completely got over her. I in no way, shape, form, or fashion have the slightest interest in my ex. None. It's like someone turned the switch off. And I love it. Yesterday, she sent me a message out of the blue just to say hi. That convo lasted an hour nd a half and included her invting me to dinner on Tuesday. That's really wierd. Especially since as far as I know she has a gf. But either way, she is stilltellingme that she loves me. That's not ok when you are with someone. But whether she is single or taken I don't want her.
But her friend is another story. We met at my ex's birthday dinner and I was just so comfortable round her. I unfortuntely chickened out and didn't get her number. And I wanted to kick myself but "que sera sera."
I'm happy with life none the less.
I can't relax, I can't relate, and this is my release. This girl, my ex, is going to drive me absolutely bonkers. I send her a text last Sunday giving her my grades for last semester. She then invites me to her birthday dinner with her and her CLOSE FRIEND but not before she tells me that she still hearts me. Then I go on facebook and see her (maybe ex) girlfriend's page and see her all over it. So she asked me to be her date and she has a girlfriend? And the worst part is that i hate how much all of this affects me.
I laugh because frankly I'm confused as heck. Life is confusing me. Actually, it's probably me confusing me but blaming life is so much easier. Anyway, I'm not sure what's going on with my ex but she is or was (I'm not even sure anymore) trying to set me up with a friend of hers. It's kind of wierd. But anyway, that's not much of a big deal. My real big deal right now is that I'm nuts. Lonely is probably the better word for it. Really really lonely. It's not that people aren't around it's just that I miss certain things about having someone. People used to ask me if I was lonely and before I ever had a girlfriend I said "You can't miss what you never had" but I can't say that now. Sometimes, I wish I never had it. So that I could never miss it. But I've become such a better person that I always change my mind on that thought.
I'm actually in the process of trying to buy a house. I'm waiting on good news.
But back to what I was saying. I'm in no rush to be back in a relationship. If it happens, it happens but if not that's ok too.
I don't know what to do with myself anymore, The girl I was talking about in the last blog is definately straight and has a boyfriend. And as a matter of fact, I hung out with her yesterday. We went to lunch and I can honestly say, I have no interest in her anymore. C'est la vie. Anyway, my ex has been on my mind. Not because I want her or even miss her. it's because I realized that I am better off without her. I really am. There were so many red flags that were waving and I ignored them because I wanted her. But I know better now. Take off the rose colored glasses. Strike 1 should have been (but I overlooked it) telling me who I couldn't be FB friends with and if I did you'd quit talking to me. But I was sprung so I let it go. Strike 2 might be srike 1. It's kind of hard to remember the time fr
There were a couple more strikes involved later AFTER we broke up. It was crazy. But I asked and prayed for love and I was always told to be careful what I wish for I just might get it and i sure did. Won't make that mistake again.
I'm instead patiently waiting on love again. It will come along eventually. I'm in no rush.
Previous PostsStill broken, posted May 29th, 2014
Grrr..., posted August 5th, 2013
I feel horrible., posted August 3rd, 2013
Time passed, posted April 25th, 2013
I knew better, posted December 23rd, 2012
i don't even know anymore, posted December 5th, 2012
I should have known, posted December 1st, 2012
Ready to leave home., posted October 29th, 2012
Getting closer, posted October 10th, 2012
Decision made, posted September 29th, 2012
That was hard., posted August 16th, 2012
Motion, posted August 14th, 2012
Something new, posted August 7th, 2012
Forgotten smile, posted July 18th, 2012
They say..., posted July 13th, 2012
The universe..., posted June 30th, 2012
It's funny how time changes things, posted June 14th, 2012
Relax relate release, posted May 14th, 2012
L O L., posted March 12th, 2012
3 strikes and someone's out, posted February 1st, 2012
Out with the old and in with the new, posted January 24th, 2012
January 8, posted January 8th, 2012
Loss of invisibility., posted December 18th, 2011
Mind racing..., posted October 27th, 2011
Finally saw her again., posted October 14th, 2011
I just don't know what to think..., posted September 30th, 2011
There are no words for the night I had., posted September 29th, 2011
Sigh..., posted September 14th, 2011
Emotional Yoyo, posted September 3rd, 2011
Small update., posted August 19th, 2011
Refusing to look back, posted July 24th, 2011
Update, posted July 20th, 2011
Gone again., posted July 5th, 2011
Guess I thought wrong, posted June 28th, 2011
Confused but still lauging, posted June 22nd, 2011
A letter to my ex., posted June 15th, 2011
No title...just read it., posted June 1st, 2011
Hmm..., posted May 24th, 2011
Time spanned, posted May 12th, 2011
INDEPENDENT, posted April 27th, 2011
Not her friend, posted April 27th, 2011
These past 2 days..., posted April 19th, 2011
Weekend, posted April 17th, 2011
but I'm not in love with her., posted April 13th, 2011
3 little words, posted April 11th, 2011
Do or die., posted April 6th, 2011
Urgh..., posted April 2nd, 2011
Screw it, posted March 22nd, 2011
Never too much time, posted March 16th, 2011
I had no idea, posted March 15th, 2011, 2 comments
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